football fans

There are plenty of experts offering up their predictions on who will win this year’s Super Bowl. The casual sports fan has not been crunching stats and really isn’t as invested as the suits at ESPN, but that won’t stop them (us) from having an opinion on who will walk away with the Vince Lombardi trophy. Yes, that is what they call the shiny thing they give the… anyway..

Here are the 10 ways people who don’t watch football predict The Super Bowl.

10. Uniforms

Remember that episode of “What’s Happening” where Dwayne made money gambling on football by picking the team with the best helmet? Same deal. Orange and Blue are complimentary contrasts so most people find the combination pleasing to the eye. However, green, blue and silver make most people think of commuter trains or medicine cabinets so..umm…no.

Waterboyhitintheheadfootball

Advantage: Denver

9. Mascot

When the colors don’t prevail, the actual mascot sways the casual football fan. Unfortunately, OJ Simpson has ruined the image of the white Bronco for most of America, but the Seahawk makes us think of that cool cartoon from the 80s, “Silverhawks.”

silverhawks-o

Advantage: Seattle

8. Twitter Followers. The number of Twitter followers someone or some group has are like first week sales numbers in music; totally meaningless, but something people obsess over anyway. The Denver Broncos have 463K Followers and The Seahawks have 424K followers.  While we think it’s a poor predictor, some fool thinks Nicki Minaj is more relevant than Martin Luther King, Jr. based on Twitter followers so…

waterboyeyepoke

Advantage: Denver

7. Where it’s played. Whichever team is geographically closer to the stadium will win. It’s the closest to “home field advantage” you can get. With this year’s game being played in The Meadowlands we have deduced that…

Denver To New Jersey is 1,777.4/ 1 day 2 hours

Seattle to New Jersey is 2,872/ 1 Day 18 hours

you-too-close-man-you-too-close_988

Advantage: Denver

6. Whoever Floyd Mayweather, Jr. bets on.

Advantage: Denver

5. Whoever the Manatee picks. There is a Manateee in FLorida that has successfully picked the last six Super Bowl winners.   Buffet has picked the Broncos this year.

The sea creatures, who were born in captivity, perform their predictions at the Mote Marine Laboratory in Sarasota, Florida, according to WTSP.com.

manatee

Advantage: Denver

4. Whichever team the person they’re dating likes. If you want to get with somebody or stay in their good graces you will root for their team. Unless of course you have one of those twisted, adversarial relationships that thrives on aggressive make-up sex, then by all means give their team the foam finger.

farmerfrannippletwist

Advantage: Seattle (maybe).

3. Whoever has better commercials. Denver QB Peyton Manning has endorsements with Mastercard, Nerf and Sprint. Russell Wilson has Levis and American Family Insurance.  While Wilson is the hot new rising star Peyton is the more familiar face. However, Seattle’s man of the week Richard Sherman has a deal with Beats By Dre Headphones so…

Advantage: Seattle

williebeamancommercial

2. Which QB has the hotter wife. If he can score off the field he can score on the field. Maybe it’s our inner racist, but these women look identical in these photos. So…

ManningWilsonWives

Advantage: Tie

1. Whoever has the most fans at the Superbowl party. Ultimately, if you don’t watch football or have a vested interest in who wins you will cheer for whoever the room is cheering for. If you’re not quite sure which jersey to wear, throw everyone off and put on a Willy Beaman Miami Sharks joint. Since it was issued in 1999 you can claim throwback status.

waterboy-o

Advantage: You.

So who are you picking?

January 31, 2014  
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