Eugene Thomas drove down a dark, still highway in the wee hours of the night. He may have been buzzing. He’d a few drinks at his high school reunion, but had his shit together enough to get from point A to point B. However, a cop lying in wait pounced on him, igniting his lights and sounding his sirens to pull Eugene over. The violation, “straddling the fogline.” In his many years of driving, Eugene had never heard of this offense, but being as woke as he was, Eugene complied. Maybe his eyes were a tad bloodshot. Maybe he wore the Henny essence as cologne. Whatever it was, the cop administered a breathalyzer test for Eugene. Eugene blew a .07, just under the state’s legal limit of influence whilst driving.

In this situation, most would be ready to declare victory. Not poor Eugene. The cops, unsatisfied in the breathalyzer results, obtained a search warrant for blood and urine. Instead of being let off with a ticket or warning, a buzzkilled Eugene was taken to a local hospital for further biological investigation.

Eugene went with the flow. The nurses came to take his blood, he obliged. Alas, when it came time for him to drop urine, though nearly illegally drunk, Eugene couldn’t piss. Dilemma. The cops needed that urine and they were gonna get it. Instead of getting him a glass of water, Eugene was taken to an emergency room and handcuffed to the bed. The legally drunk man was helpless as the police pulled down his pants and drawls. A police sergeant and another cop held his ankles as a nurse approached him with a needle-like 16-inch catheter tube. Then, the unthinkable happened. The nurse grabbed Eugene’s manhood and worked the tube up his dickhole. Horrified, he writhed as the cold needle “spelunked” into his anatomy, surging through his prostate into his bladder. The piss was got.

Eugene eventually pleaded guilty to reckless driving and got his license suspended. He has already paid the dear price of having his penis penetrated. The laws of the land will not say he was violated. The urethra invasion is covered under the Fourth Amendment’s rules on reasonable searches and seizures.

OK. Eugene’s story is fictional, but the fuck shit he endured is based on the strife of quite a few folks who went through this in real life. The lesson? I guess, do what you gotta to make sure you can piss on command. A needle up the dick is a life-altering experience. No man (or God) ever intended for this shit to happen, but it has…and still can/will.

Read here about how no one from the DEA gets in trouble for anything.