Before you read any further, one set of Google Glass frames costs $1500. Shake it off. You good? Now that you’ve gotten over that a bit, let’s continue…

Google Glass is really a pair of glasses with a tiny computer embedded in ‘em. They’re voice activated and everything you need to see shows up right in front of your eyes on their li’l glass panels. Originally, they were only for use by developers. Now, you can finally max out your credit card for the status symbol almost a few people actually want.

From a technical standpoint, they’re marvelous. From an aesthetic one? No thanks. But if you don’t mind wearing an expensive miniature LEGO playset on your face, then feel free to get ‘em and magically turn yourself into… THAT GUY

Google, ever the innovators, even invented a word for these kinds of people: ‘Glassholes.’ Better cough up those credit card numbers, son. You’ve got people to annoy.

1. Talking with your friends in public

Remember those guys with those tiny little BlueTooth things in their ears who look like they’re talking to themselves. Well using Google Glass is like that, but a thousand times worse.

2. Looking up things you already could

Wanna know how many calories are in your slice of Boston creampie? Need to know how to tie a sheep-shank knot? Gotta figure out how to get to the ballet school in the fastest way possible to pick up your kid cuz you’re late, again? Use your phone. But if you want everyone to see how cool you look doing these things, use Google Glass!

3. Giving thieves an easy target

While you’re busy looking up the recipe for a mint julip, Shady Sam is waiting around the corner to snatch those GG’s right off your face to sell ‘em on the black market. If you took any inappropriate selfies I’d advise you to stay off the internet for a few…er…decades.

4. Repeating yourself over and over

Google’s voice recognition software is better than most everybody elses and always getting better. But people from all corners of the world have different languages, dialects, accents and various levels of regional patois. Be ready to repeat your requests ad nauseum while Google’s software learns that Iwana Fukher is a person you want info on, not an exclamation.

5. What will it really be used for though?

 

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GIANT Life (@giant_life) July 09, 2013