Once upon a time, you dated a smart, attractive man who was full of ambition. He was driven in his career, helpful around the house, and eager to please you.
Then, he changed. Somewhere along the way, your man became a couch potato. He’s reluctant to load the dishwasher — let alone prepare a meal — and he’d rather spend his time watching football and playing video games than taking you on a romantic date.
You know the man you fell in love with is still in there somewhere. You’ve tried everything to coax him out: bargaining, nagging, and issuing ultimatums. But if you’re still carrying the domestic and financial load while he bums around the house, your relationship may be in crisis mode.
Before you hit the “eject” button, take a moment to reconsider your approach and try a few different tactics to get him out of his funk.
When Men Get Lazy
Think about the last time you vented to your girlfriends about your boyfriend’s bad behavior. There were probably a few common themes to your complaints:
Housework: Men often start to slack in this department, partly because society has been telling men for years that housework is the woman’s job, not theirs. It’s up to you to change that if you don’t want to be cleaning up after him for the rest of your life.
Your needs as a woman: When one partner goes out of her way to offer comfort and love, the other partner sometimes grows complacent. It’s not that he doesn’t care — it just doesn’t occur to him to put your needs first because he’s so used to you making life sweet for him.
Professional hustle: Men sometimes fall into a valley of professional comfort and never motivate themselves to climb out of it. They have an OK job, make a decent living, and decide that’s good enough. This is a dangerous mentality, and it’s even worse if they’re unemployed. Too many rejections can dull their ambition and leave them seeking an escape in front of the TV instead of filling out applications.
Is He Lazy, or Is Something Else Going On?
There are few things more frustrating than watching your man sitting in front of the TV in sweatpants while you’re working your butt off to keep you both afloat. But before you start another fight about how he’s too lazy to contribute, consider what’s really going on.
Men let themselves go for a lot of reasons, not the least of which are psychological. Fear, insecurity, and depression can all manifest as laziness.
Look at his circumstances: Has he gone after a professional goal and failed? Has he tried to help around the house and been criticized for not making the bed correctly? Does he have a criminal history that’s making it difficult for him to get a job?
Repeated failures deal a serious blow to men’s self-esteem. Maybe you see his 20 rejected job applications as a sign of his ambition and persistence, while he views them as evidence that he’s not good enough.
You also need to look at your behavior. If he’s feeling a lot of negativity and pressure from you, his lethargy may stem from resentment. People can only take so much nagging before they throw in the towel, convinced that they never do anything right.
Motivate Your Man — For Real This Time
There are right and wrong ways to address your man’s lazy habits and bring him back to the land of the living. Ultimately, it’s up to him to take action, but you can support him through positive reinforcement.
- Steer clear of nagging and mind games. Be honest: How many times has nagging led to lasting change in your relationship? If you’re guilty of nagging, don’t feel bad. A lot of women do it because that’s what’s been modeled for us by our parents, grandparents, girlfriends, and TV shows.
Women nag, men roll their eyes, and a week later, they’re having the same fight. Similarly, bossing him around, trading favors to get him to contribute, threatening to leave him if he doesn’t change, and giving him the silent treatment just don’t work.
- Use positive reinforcement. Instead of criticism, offer encouragement for even the smallest improvements. In her book, “What Shamu Taught Me About Life, Love, and Marriage,” Amy Sutherland emphasizes positive reinforcement for motivating men.
If he mentions a job he wants to apply for, say, “I love it when you talk about getting a job.” This attitude makes him feel supported, and he’ll want to go after something that will make you happy.
- Praise him in his love language. Gary Chapman says there are five love languages, and we need to communicate with our partner in his. If your man’s love language is “words of affirmation,” for example, tell him regularly why you’re proud of him or what you love about him. Praise him in front of his friends to boost his ego, and let him know you’re in his corner.
- Be his biggest fan. Support his professional ambitions by helping him find a relevant networking organization. Take an active interest in his quest so he doesn’t feel as though he’s going it alone. You can’t make changes for him, but you can show him that you care about his interests and that your desire for him to change isn’t purely about how it will improve your life.
- Invest in yourselves together. Set individual goals, and drop a marble in a jar for every step you take toward them. Establish a joint reward for hitting 20 marbles each. Maybe you’ll splurge on a nice dinner, go to a big game, or go away for the weekend. Having a shared reward makes working toward your goals more fun.
It’s frustrating when your man lets himself go and seems too lazy to pick himself back up again, but love sometimes means carrying more than your share of the load to help your partner. Don’t resign yourself to doing everything, but give your relationship a fair chance by helping your man out of his rut. A little positive encouragement can do wonders for his motivation and bring you closer as a couple.
Catherine Hoke is the founder and CEO of Defy Ventures, a nonprofit serving people with criminal histories nationally. Defy Ventures “transforms street hustle” by providing entrepreneurship training, executive mentoring, startup funding, career development, and job placement. The company hosts “Shark Tank”-style business plan competitions in which people compete for $100,000 in startup funding. Defy Ventures is currently enrolling its next class of entrepreneurs. To find out more about how the company can help you or someone you love, click here.
The post Is Your Man’s Laziness Killing Your Relationship? Here’s How to Motivate Him appeared first on Don Diva Magazine.
