Get your sh*t together, Staten Island.

Weird things are happening on Staten Island. Perhaps the underreported borough is intent on making a bigger name for itself; maybe there’s something wrong with the water. Whatever the reason, bizarre headlines have been popping up from all over the other side of the Verrazano Bridge in the last month- the likes of which we’d normally expect to see from somewhere like Florida. To celebrate the strangeness, we proudly present the first edition of “Staten Island Wilin’.” Just don’t get any ideas.

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1) Man Torches Girlfriend’s Bedroom

A Bronx man pled guilty on Wednesday to torching his girlfriend’s Staten Island bedroom, Staten Island Advance reports. Though Joshua Dunlap only intended to ignite her bed, fire did exactly what fire does, and the flames spread throughout the victim’s bedroom. They were still burning when she returned to her second-floor apartment on Vanderbuilt Ave. at around 10:30 p.m. on February 7th. Dunlap had threatened just such a fate for her apartment earlier in the day.

“If you don’t give me money, I’m gonna burn your [expletive] down!” Dunlap reportedly told her, according to the prosecution.

The less-than-penitent 29-year-old suggested it was an easy problem to solve when he talked to his 51-year-old girlfriend the next day.

“All you have to do is light some candles and put them on the bed,” he said, according to court papers. Presto, no more burn damage.

 

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2) Terrible Clown Freaks Everyone Out

A decidedly terrifying clown appeared several times throughout Staten Island this month, always at night. Residents had no explanation for the wayward circus impresario, USA Today reports.

“Ok so I’m a little freaked out right now,” wrote leavisisland, an Instagram user and Staten Island local, in a recent Instagram post. He appeared to be unaffiliated with the clown, at first. “I was driving home from Buffalo Wild Wings and saw this waving at me. #wtf … is this real life?”

Many cried “HOAX,” and they were right, though what exactly constitutes a hoax in this situation is hazy at best. The clown’s origins were revealed publicly this morning when he appeared on Z100′s “Elvis Duran and the Morning Show.” The Instagrammer leavisisland turned out to be Michael Leavy, a member of the Fuzz on the Lens Production team. The hell spawn jokester was a viral marketing campaign from the small Staten Island-based company. Why did they put this scary-ass clown on streetcorners at night, you might ask?

“We treated this as a film within itself … we treated him as a character and the world was our production,” said Fuzzy Lens exec Steve Della Salla.

Uh, what?

 

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Woman Punches Her 80-Year-Old Neighbor, Kills His Hen, Photographs Hen with Lit Cigarette

Yep. You read that right. 32-year-old Michelle Conti punched her neighbor, Charles Gabel, and knocked him to the ground, shortly before running over his guinea hen with her car and killing it. She then proceeded to place her lit cigarette in the hen’s mouth for a unique photo op, SI Live reports.

Mrs. Conti and her husband have had a long-running feud with their neighbors the Gabels. Staten Island police have been dispatched countless times to resolve complaints relating to the Gabels’ abundant guinea hen collection- and various other things. On October 22nd, police charged Vincent Conti with public lewdness after he pulled down his pants and exposed his genitals to Mrs. Gabel.

The neighborly assault charge and hen brutality are just the latest battle in a detailed war. Thankfully, Mrs. Conti seems to be remorseful.

“You know what? Bad judgment. I was being a jerk. I really was,” she told SI Live. Bad judgment, good picture. Stay tuned for more installments of “Staten Island Wilin’.”

 

Follow me on Twitter @davetcampbell.

The post Staten Island Wilin’: Crazy Headlines from the Island appeared first on Don Diva Magazine.

March 28, 2014