If you’re familiar with Law & Order or manage to pay attention long enough during your high school criminal class, then you know all about what you should do when you’re arrested. Simply put: keep your mouth shut.

Not everyone follows this rule, however, and by golly we’re thrilled this guy in Australia didn’t, because he gave way to the most epic arrest speech ever. The video is a few decades old and we’re unsure of what exactly he was getting arrested for (possibly a succulent Chinese meal), but we can’t stop laughing over his Shakespearean accent or his repeated requests to “get your hands off my pe-nis!“  We’re convinced he’s somewhere in a nursing home writing sonnets.

Prepare to be entertained.